Lost my virginity to a 60-y-o man

Dear Pastor,

I am a 40-year-old woman and I have two sons and one daughter.

My daughter is 14 years old. I live with her father. My two sons are on their own. I see them every day, but they don’t live with us. This man I am living with loves his daughter. Sometimes she behaves as if she wants to rule me. She knows that she can talk to me about anything, but she prefers to talk to her father.

One day, her father said that she told him one of his friends told her how he admires her and she has nice looking breasts. This man is as old as her father. I told her father that he should talk to him and warn him. He said he is going to sharpen his machete. My daughter looks older than her age. I am sure that no man has ever touched her private part. I asked her why she hasn’t said anything to me about the man. She said she didn’t say anything to me because it is her father’s friend.

One day, she surprised me by asking me how old I was when I started to have sex. I told her that was none of her business. She told me that some of her school friends have boyfriends and are having sex. I told her that sex is not for her at her age. But I did not tell her at what age I started to have sex. I did not want to prolong the conversation. I started to have sex when I was 17, and it was with a much older man. In fact, the man was 60. I did not tell anybody.

He was one of my friend’s uncles who used to always buy pizza for me because I am a lover of pizza. One Saturday, he told me where to meet him and he took me to the pizza place and bought me a big one. When he took me home, my parents were not there. He asked me for a quickie; I did not know what that meant, but he explained to me and I told him I was afraid. He told me he would be very gentle. So, I told him to come in and I locked the door. He pulled my shorts down and he had sex with me from the back. It did not last more than five minutes. He asked me if I needed any money and I told him no. I let him out quickly and he left. That was the first time I had sex.

We had sex few other times but he used a condom. When I look back now, I was older than my daughter’s age. I have warned my daughter to be very careful with men and not to follow her friends and have sex. I was so surprised that my 14-year-old daughter would ask me what age I started to have sex. But I figured it out. If I had told her, she might believe I was giving her permission to have sex. Every month, I watch to see if she is having her period. I won’t allow a month to go by and not check on her because I now know that her friends are sexually active and she may come under peer pressure to have sex.

Do you think that I am wrong to be checking on my daughter every month? Sometimes when I look at her, I can understand why men want to have sex with her at such a young age.

O.

Dear O.,

You are not being too careful. However, I believe that your daughter’s father and you should warn this man who approached her for sex.

It is not just your responsibility to protect your daughter, but it is also her father’s responsibility. There are certain things that a mother should not discuss with her daughter about herself, so you were quite correct in not telling her at what age you started to have sex.

Your daughter has to learn to trust you, and you should not give her the impression that you do not trust her either. Constantly let your daughter know that you love her and that you trust her and you want her to do well in school and in whatever profession she chooses.