I regret divorcing my husband

Dear Pastor,

I am 31 years old and divorced. Looking back, I regret divorcing my husband. I divorced him because, when we were dating, I did not know he had three children, which he never told me about. When I found out, he told me he loved his children more than he loved me.

When I met him, he was unemployed, and I took care of all the bills. All his children were born in America. He played in a band and travelled there often, so he saw his children and their mother regularly. At one point, during an argument, he told me he wasn't sure the children were his, and he became very abusive. That is when I filed for divorce.

After the divorce, I became a Christian. I was told by my church that, as long as my ex-husband is alive, I cannot remarry. This has been very hard for me because I have sexual desires.

My ex-husband now lives in America and has remarried his children's mother. I must confess that I have a lover, but my church would not accept me being with him. He is divorced - actually, twice - and in that sense, we suit each other. He is 65 years old. People think he is just a good friend, but he is much more. He meets my emotional needs, and though I can support myself, he still gives me money.

I want to know if you believe I am on the wrong path. I asked him if he would marry me, and he said he does not want to remarry because he has done it twice before and it has not worked out. I do not want to lose him. I still attend church, but I avoid communion, so I skip on communion Sundays. I would leave my church if he agreed to marry me, but he does not want to. He is very fit, and whenever I desire intimacy, he is willing. I would appreciate your guidance on what I should do. I hope to hear from you soon.

A.R.

Dear A.R.,

I will respond by sharing a case I know. A successful Christian businessman was married and doing well in his career. However, conflict arose between him and his wife. They had no peace, and despite counselling from several ministers, the relationship could not be saved from his perspective. He filed for divorce.

He maintained a strong bond with his children and supported them through university. He later met a much younger woman, married her, and she became pregnant. His church did not ask him to leave, but he admitted that divorcing his first wife was a big mistake. He remains friends with her, and at times, they are physically intimate.

This man essentially uses excuses to justify continuing a sexual relationship with his divorced wife, while also admitting that he should not have married his second wife.

You are a young woman who divorced hastily when you discovered lies and the breakdown of your relationship. Now, you are with an older man who has divorced twice. While you may consider leaving your church to marry him, he is hesitant to remarry.

I often say that I do not like divorce, but I recognise that sometimes it is necessary - a necessary evil. Your body is alive, your desires are natural, and this man is meeting that need. I hope you might be able to convince him to marry you and that your church will not judge you harshly if you choose another congregation. This is ultimately a decision you must make on your own.

Pastor